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Penance

by db

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1.
Is this a brainstorm or just some cloudy thinking? Brings me back to the times when I was binge drinking. Unwilling to think my way back into this redundancy. This is unfair to me, I'm not on track or where I was supposed to be. I know all about the saying "things can always get worse". It took me over an hour to compose this O.C.D. verse. Still parched and in thirst, I need to rehearse. Often when I think, my brain patterns invert and become adverse. And so I immerse myself once again in deep thought. Feeling like I tied my life in a knot, with all the narcotics I bought. Now clean and sober, when rehab ends, life begins. When I was "Gone" I didn't need to sit here, contemplating these things. All of this is now coming to a head, still wish I was dead. And I'm in over my head (again). All I feel is drained. Pain over-sustained, My life is forever stained with no chance to re-gain The paradise I once maintained. Time to turn the page and expose my self inflicted rage. Once again, trapped in a cage. I shouldn't be rapping at my age. I feel I should be further along, down the page. Trying to cope with reality without my tendencies to disengage. Like Jon Bon Jovi, I'm Wanted Dead or Alive. My only chance to survive is to thrive and strive to make it through this I'm gonna' max out my hard drive. Somewhat deprived, I'll take a blind dive... And deprive myself of more sleep, food and blood. These are the dark thoughts I was speaking of. When I was younger, I used to be a stud. We cry ourselves rivers that turn into floods. And what is the recon on this reconsideration? Palmed digi recorders that record information. I just bought a new MacBook and wishing I'd bought that Playstation. In seven long years, I've never had a vacation. And time flies by like a bird in the sky crashing into the window, "hello little birdie and goodbye". Sometimes you can't see what you run into. Maybe I've bitten off more than I can chew. The pain inside, no doctor can describe or give meds to prescribe, so I follow through and blindly abide to all the narcotics pumped into my system. Will this mess up my unborn children? If you have a gift will you ever experience true freedom? Permanent darkness has it's bright side. When it's hell to be alive, you adapt to survive. Maybe you don't thrive, you just walk into the void, where those dead birdies flied. Is English a language or an art? If I speak correctly, does that make me smart? db has become a new start for me. I make about fifteen cents off of every mp3. Welcome to the music industry.
2.
Toxic Life 03:43
After college, sex became robotic. Long and forgotten after all our baggage. Two years in a long distance relationship, since we were teens we promised each other we'd never quit... on each other, flash forward a few hits of ecstasy has solved all our relationship problems. Paradise, in 2007, now signed to a record label, putting out the most pristine of my vinyl albums. Cutting bass tracks in my prime. Agata begins to unwind and I decide to snort some more lines. Then I just keep building snowmen, work out, then fuck her again and again and again. Without the ecstasy, it was all up to me. This is the only time I feel free or even feel good to be me. Cloudy eyed in the morning at seven AM Back to my job, shove some blow up my sinuses again. Stay up all night, then hit up a few lines and start the day over again. DJ-ing on weekends. The party never ends. I couldn't see what was happening around me. My marriage disintegrated into a flow of "his and hers" internet pornography I just wish I'd looked up from my computer for a second to see what was happening to Agata and me. 2010 on anti-depressants and with mental health problems. I rush into work, feeling sick and running out of money options. Then she was gone. I texted her my dark and lonely thoughts. The kind that only belong in a db song. I feel empty inside and out. No one left to shout at so I begin to cut and drink and drink myself into a state where I can't even think. Stagger around my house half blind, leading to a series of decisions turned deadly I can never leave behind. Then the cops showed up at my home. I begged and pleaded, I'll come with, just please don't put the cuffs on. But within minutes of opening that door, I was cuffed and gone. Once the cuffs were on, my thrashing began, I stated to fight. And bash my head in which would continue all night. Wondering what fifteen years of a promise is worth. Apparently nothing, when I was down, she booted my face in the dirt. Aggression filled with an obsession, to leave the snowmen alone. I wish it wasn't too late, but I quit the whites by drinking my way into a patchy tapestry I'd sown. I had no clue for what I was in for. On something this destructive, it's hard to put a spin. Restraints that I was put in. Self destruction, so drunk I felt no more pain. I just got angrier the more I became restrained. Now afraid of the dark, and can't sleep alone. My home is no longer my home. I did a lot of things in that time that I'd prefer remain unbeknown to anyone who might be reading this Three AM, time for me to break, cease and desist. I'm no longer that angry. So why R.T.E.? What does it even mean to me? Social re-integration, well in retrospect... maybe. Baby steps are no longer just for babies. God only knows, unlike you, I'm not a role model. Am I running head first into Another Brick In The Wall? Maybe I'll get lucky, stumble again and fall into a suburban, midlife crisis, white boy emo rap that seems to fix it all.
3.
Detonation 03:53
I think I'm lost in a bad mental state time to narrate Shall I proceed, or shall I hesitate There is rage that lies inside my soul Unlike Bruce Banner, I've got this under control I'm a DJ not a rapper Just a fake Is this all a mistake? Self doubt plays a part in this intoxicated lyrical art Time to press the button and hit re-start Now the temperature is rising Hardly surprising in the recording booth there's no air conditioning and let me just mention one last thing... Dubstep is a nice accompaniment to a spliff If I was back in Scarborough, I'd be smoking one down at the bluffs on Birchcliff All I need is a whiff and I'm like a cop dog, right on top of it I'm probably still there getting high in spirit Now it's prescript and legit I just keep brainstorming and correcting it Now placid and sober I quit all my vices back in October No more coke, chain smokes, ecstasy, or booze Never going to stop marijuana That's the last thing in my life I need to loose If I'd had too many beers My thoughts would be unclear Armageddon is near But this is nothing we should ever fear When you die your heart will be put on a scale against a feather I hope we're all getting our shit together Because nothing lasts forever Our energy will be recycled employ karma as if it was tactical The possibilities of the subconscious are un-imaginable or maybe my mental state is still unstable Disable all others who are capable which defeats the whole purpose will this rap be racking up bills on my karmic purse Spit out another verse The universe is filled with black holes and other things I consider... whatever... This is the break you've been waiting for almost two minutes If I dodged a bullet would anyone give a shit The rhymes that I spit are sometimes demonic Throw out my spikes and buy a designer sweatsuit Are there aliens infiltrating us who the fuck knows? Weather changing microwave gadgets The U.S. military has a step up on us Thank god for Alex Jones with his invasive and angry political overtones The military sends out spy drones, satellites and taps our cell phones Is this marijuana paranoia or has my third eye just been opened? And what's happening on the dope end? All that's legal is tobacco and alcohol both of which will inevitably lead to your downfall Kids, stay in school all you need is a good memory If I had that I wouldn't be a rap hack and stuck on my laptop, still smoking weed. Two minutes in and I'm just starting to begin My patience is wearing thin, my ego is my evil twin Let me look into all this madness that surrounds me It's dubstep, so welcome to my mp3 Sometimes I scare myself with my thoughts Once I start thinking my negativity takes off and then maybe I need to cough cause I calmed myself down with some cush I just needed that little extra push Still possibly an addiction for my affliction All I know is it gets me to the kitchen I'm not Zecharia Sitchin but I can tell something is missing from our history and interpretations of the bible Who can figure this stuff out, maybe I can The eye in the triangle is covered with powder I read a lot of books and I smoke a lot of flowers It gives me superpowers to decipher instead of disremembering it all away from my brain. What have I gained? Sustain to overcome the events from which I came? When there's no one left to blame You become a rap hack and bask in your lack of fame Why can't I remember? My brain I've dismembered My idea was burning like a flame, but now it's just an ember I became a pro rapper, but never turned thug and accomplished it all with my brain on drugs.
4.
As superheroes we far exceed the capabilities abilities and facilities, proceed with extreme agility hiding, yet possessing rhymes and computer skills. As adept at paying bills as thrill seekers eliminate the competition that is weaker protecting the emotions of those who suffered similar fates, but without inspiration they become victims of the same fate I don a red hoodie, spikes, chains and corpse paint take the stage, turntables, a mic and spin up a twist of fate Enacting visible restraint With the musical pictures that I paint Always on the hunt for a fertile mate I will never hesitate to act on impulse be fore it's too late If your a person in pain, then I know you will relate I am a superhero, born and bred in Scarborough Bring on the bullets and arrows at this point in my career I don't really care when I needed help, no one was there Fuck yeah, it wasn't fair but life throws you curve balls when you're in disguise you don't feel so small and nothing matters at all except the recognition and hate, both equally your downfall when it's all over, do your songs rot and waste or will they help anyone at all? Clinical submission, rhetorical admission as a musician, this song has become a lyrical mission Wish I was a real superhero like Neo in the Matrix But all I find is hate in this I dismiss everything about this I have achieved all, with self doubt in mind Still unrefined, blind I just want to smoke some weed and unwind yo I look around at the way that people behave. they tend to echo the pain that they'd found when they went through the maze. evidently, they stayed. cause they never display the wisdom needed to get out of it or the compassion that you have for lads and lasses trapped down in it. it puts a frown on this face that i keep pasted to the front side of my H-to-the-E-A-D. we may need these fake leeches to repay the great patience that they were afforded by people who had supported them.  how they gonna be fortunate but abort when the sordid shit demands a token of contribution in return? i have to open them up with shocking proof that it's a cir- cle.  they will return full into the dirt. will they ever learn? no Fuck, I think my laptop is zapping my nuts Nothing left to prove I wish I was back in high school dealing pot almost something I wish I had forgotten dreams are made up of money and then broken too loud, self conscious prey on the weakness of others Lived too long in the bad boys club passed on all my weed clients to one of my trusted buds realized my own weaknesses, only to find it was too late accepted my fate now spend my life in regret and going on bad dates Recon lives in America While I freeze my ass off in Canada I live in poverty like a caged animal Hit up rhymezone for raps Passive aggressive, perhaps obsessive Living in this mess I've made, afraid but no longer engage the threat I'm constantly under all alone standing in the lightning, rain and thunder is this all a blunder or will I be stuck wondering outside it's still thundering everything is accelerating I find this overwhelming, almost abandoning but rise up like a superhero Just like in Casino staring Robert DeNiro I push myself to the maximum of physical endurance I took out life insurance I believe in re-incarnation Re-birth is a painful re-assurance Crimson Death spins beats without defeat Get over it or I will delete. I am a superhero, born and bred in Scarborough Bring on the bullets and arrows at this point in my career I don't really care when I needed help, no one was there Fuck yeah, it wasn't fair but life throws you curve balls when you're in disguise you don't feel so small and nothing matters at all except the recognition and hate, both equally your downfall when it's all over, do your songs rot and waste or will they help anyone at all? Clinical submission, a life changing vision as a musician, this song has become a lyrical mission I dismiss everything about this As superhumans we far exceed the capabilities abilities and facilities, proceed with extreme agility hiding, yet possessing rhymes and computer skills. As adept at paying bills as thrill seekers eliminate competition that is weaker protecting the emotions of those who suffered similar fates, but without inspiration they become victims of a similar fate...

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released September 18, 2014

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db London, Ontario

db is an emo rapper based out of London, Ontario.

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